Dying Again
by MizukoMidori
Summary: A songfic in Soi's POV. The song 'Going Under' by Evanescence. Please read it and tell me what you think, good or bad.


Dying Again  
  
By Rachel (without the damned 1)  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Fushigi Yuugi. -Sigh- I don't own the song 'Going Under'. FY is owned Yuu Watase, and the song property of Evanescence. I just thought this worked out pretty well for the bitch of lightning.  
  
A/N: A songfic. Amazing. I don't usually do songfics, but I had to do this one. The first time I heard the song it just struck me as her. If it seems a bit OOC I apologize. Soi isn't my favorite character in the whole world. I don't hate her either though. Please let me know what you think.  
  
// Now I will tell you what I've done for you  
  
Fifty thousand tears I've cried  
  
Screaming, deceiving, and bleeding for you  
  
And you still won't hear me. //  
  
Used. That's all I was. I was just a useful wench in his plot to get... well whatever it was he wanted to get. I never meant anything to him. I don't think anyone does. Except perhaps her. The little girl from another world. A bitch corrupted by her own power. The priestess of Seiryuu.  
  
And I was one of her warriors. Destined to serve and protect her. I was born to. Hah! I never bought that shit he fed her. It's all very laughable.  
  
Don't get me wrong. I did my job. I fought against her puny little friend and the Suzaku fools. Had a mockery made of me. And then to get scolded by the one person I cared for. All because of her.  
  
That's the only reason I served the bitch of Seiryuu. I did it for him. From the first moment I saw him, until the day I died. Everything I did was for him.  
  
// Don't want your hand   
  
This time I'll save myself  
  
Maybe I'll wake up for once  
  
Not tormented daily, defeated by you  
  
Just when I thought I'd reached the bottom //  
  
I'm foolish. Not stupid, mind you, just foolish. I let myself be dragged down. I felt too much. Risked everything on my emotions. He told me one time that I shouldn't let my emotions control me. We see where that led. I wonder, did he know? Did he know I would sacrifice myself so he could continue on?  
  
It doesn't matter now. It's been done. I hope hell isn't as all the stories I've heard in my travels. Looks like this time I've really hit rock bottom. Hehehehehehehehehehe.  
  
Yeah. I am foolish.  
  
// I'm dying again  
  
I'm going under, drowning in you,  
  
I'm falling forever; I've got to break through,  
  
I'm going under //  
  
There is one really sad factor in all of this. I act angry with him, but I'm not. No, I'm angry with myself. For being a fool, for hoping, for loving.  
  
You see the thing is I knew he would never love me. Knew that he never would.  
  
Yeah, I knew. Knew, and still persisted. I thought if I showered him with my affections, if I made passionate love to him, that one day, maybe... Yet somewhere in the back of my mind, too, I knew it was all completely futile.  
  
I never blamed him. Not for anything that happened to me. It was always my fault, until the priestess came along. Then I blamed her. He would have none of it though. His precious pet couldn't be blamed. It was impossible for her to do anything wrong. Seiryuu forbid.  
  
I did the next best thing. I blamed her pet. The poor boy, hopelessly in love with her, who lost his twin brother to the enemy. He was easy enough to blame. No one argued. Unless you count the one I named at fault.  
  
// Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies  
  
So I don't know what's real and what's not  
  
Always confusing the thoughts in my head  
  
So I can't trust myself anymore. //  
  
Looking back on the last few months, I come to a few conclusions. One; the priestess of Seiryuu is my enemy. She has stolen the attentions of the man I love.  
  
Then again, that may only be half-true. He was always looking out for himself first. That's one thing I learned for sure about him. If he did something for you, he had something in it for himself as well.  
  
I knew he was using that blonde whore, just as he was using me and the rest of the world also. It still hurt though. She was a priestess who could summon a mighty god and have her every desire handed to her on a silver platter. She was more useful than I was.  
  
To this moment I still ponder why he pretended to care for me. What exactly was my usefulness? Besides my future as a Seiryuu warrior. There had to be more to it than that, right?  
  
My power.  
  
// I'm dying again  
  
I'm going under, drowning in you  
  
I'm falling forever, I've got to break through  
  
I'm, //  
  
The power that I have. It's my best answer. Well the one besides my little light tricks. I could use it against anyone and make them weaker. Men especially. See I can draw a person's life force through sex. That's my power as a Seiryuu warrior.  
  
Why didn't I use it on him? I did. Or at least attempted to. The first few times we fucked I applied my talents. Needless to say, he had predicted that, and it didn't work.  
  
I was useful later though. A Suzaku fool, who also had fallen for his priestess. They were separated. Well what better way to dispose of such a torn in our side. Especially after he almost destroyed my love.   
  
The task disgusted me, but made me feel better all the same. I'd be avenging him, and getting rid of my enemy at the same time. The pathetic boy wouldn't even know it was I, due to a comrade's illusion. He would think I was his lovely priestess. Now I wonder why I never used this tactic on my man.  
  
// So go on and scream  
  
Scream at me, I'm so far away  
  
I won't be broken again  
  
I've got to breathe, I can't keep  
  
Going under. //  
  
Through all of this. Through all the sin, passion, love, betrayal, and foolishness; one thing remained clear. I loved him. I loved him with all I was. I died for him.  
  
I'd already died a thousand deaths. Every thought of his not returning my love was another dagger to the heart. Lightning strike to the chest. Which is actually how I would have preferred I die. I love the lightning. It's very comforting.  
  
No, though. How do I die? A sword through me. Through me instead of him. And that's how I want it. I'll die a thousand more deaths so he can survive. I love him.  
  
// I'm dying again. //  
  
THE END. 


End file.
